Tolerate Yourself: An Intervention for Self-Compassion

In my work with clients healing from trauma, I often work with them on developing a healthy self-concept and a belief that they are important and valuable. My clients are understandably mistrustful of others and have often developed some negative core beliefs.

These clients often have unrealistic expectations coming into therapy and will try to go straight from negative self-talk to having the self-esteem of a social media influencer. Sometimes they’ll even hurl insults at themselves for not feeling more positively. 

To interrupt this loop, we start with neutrality. For someone with a lifetime of negative core beliefs, self-love is not the first goal. Neither is a perfect relationship with their body. The first goal is, can they learn to be just a little kinder to themselves? Can they think of themselves with 10%, even 2% of the care and compassion they show for others?

Traumatized clients often spend years distancing themselves from their bodies and don't see their own reflection shown accurately in the mirror. Asking this type of client to show self-love is a big request. They may not love their chest, their hair, or their face but perhaps they can learn to be more neutral towards them. 

Sometimes I'll grab a whiteboard and draw a line labeled from 0 to 100. The left side starts with self-loathing, criticism, and even hatred. The right side ends at enthusiastic self-love. I'll ask them to identify some beliefs they have about themselves and place them on the line.

Usually they'll say something like “I hate my [body part].” I ask them, What does that body part do for you? Neutral facts only; it’s okay if the right side feels unattainable right now. For example, your legs take you where you want to go. Your voice helps you express yourself. Your stomach helps you digest the nutrients that keep you alive. 

We come up with examples until we get to something neutral that feels true; something tolerable. 

Over time and with practice, clients learn to replace negative thoughts with a neutral tolerance for themselves. At the same time, we work on developing a growth mindset; a focus on learning and growing rather than self-judgment. Over time, clients develop healthy self-esteem and a sense of admiration for themselves. Starting with self-neutrality rather than self-love meets the client where they’re at and makes it easier for them to buy into the work.